Yesterday I went running. It was HARD.. Getting out of my shell *read house* is HARD at the moment.. I have been hiding a lot from the world if I am not teaching or training people.. It seems safer in here than it does outside for some reason.. I signed up for the Cambridge Half to give me something to focus on whilst I try to process this grief in my head.. But getting out there for training has eluded me somewhat until yesterday.. Well, I have run twice slowly since I signed up so maybe I am being hard on myself?
A friend reminded me that maybe I had put too much pressure on myself by signing up to the half as I was starting to speak in negative language about my running .. “Oh that was slow”, “Oh I am rubbish” *insert negative self speak here*.. and that MAYBE I should just focus my thinking on ‘WELL DONE FOR BLOODY GETTING OUT AND DOING IT!!!’
This really made me think about how I show up in the world, and how I ask my clients to show up.. I ask them to be honest and authentic to me and the others (if we are at Bootcamp), but here I am being unauthentic.. Not being honest about how I am feeling or how I am coping. Then I see and hear of so many other women who are also ‘trying to keep it together” whether they are suffering from a grief reaction or an ongoing family challenge. Why is it as human beings we have to “pretend” that everything is ok?
As I try to write these words it feels messy, unsafe, inarticulate. I have so many words coming into my head that I am not sure what to do with them which is why I am trying to make sense of them on paper. I wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares and my head is just filled with a thousand words/ questions/ stories/ memories/ anger/ disbelief/ sadness..
I want to encourage my clients to show up and be themselves.. Not the version they think people expect them to be.. I am here to tell you that I will keep *trying* my best to be honest and upfront about the feeling of being unmotivated, or not “strong”.. There is nothing WORSE than feeling like a failure .. It can be truly de-motivational..
I am not a failure.. YOU are not a failure.. I am just going through a particularly rough time, and losing someone I love very much is devastating.. So lets look at why we may be feeling like this? Be real and honest about what is going on for you rather than burying it in work or food or alcohol..
Try not to add extra pressure by being hard on yourself as I have been doing. I am going to continue to write these feelings down so that I can validate and work through my grief and feelings around my life at present. What we all need to do is to take a moment, walk outside, be with ourselves and truly look at where those feelings are coming from, and then say “It’s OK”. “I am OK”. Then hopefully we can all be kinder to ourselves in the process which will hopefully have the knock on effect of helping us to feel more motivated to do XYZ..
And with that, I am going to go outside for another mini run and feel like the woman I am.. Strong, grieving, but OK!