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June 12, 2015 Charli Wall

Have you listened to the way you talk to yourself during the day?

When I was starting to sort myself and my thinking out I started to write down every time I had a negative thought in my head. I hoped that this would help me STOP the negative thought in its tracks ..

This is what I would hear in my own head:
My god your fat
Jesus you look ugly
Your useless, why did you do THAT??
You cant wear that you’re TOO OLD
Oh my god you look AWFUL
Eat that, you may as well ~ you’re gross anyway
What’s the point in trying you’ll never get any better
And so on and so on .. You get the picture.

What was astonishing is that these thoughts went on like a tirade of abuse ALL DAY LONG from the moment i woke up till the moment I went to bed ..
It was exhausting!

However highlighting the inner dialogue to myself was also the best thing I could have done because it shocked me into making a change.

I was allowing myself to be a VICTIM to my own inner bully. And boy is she a bully when she wants to be!
I wouldn’t talk to my worst enemy the way I talk to myself. In Fact I’d probably make excuses for an enemy if they behaved badly towards me!

In those days if I talked to myself badly it justified eating or drinking badly and also behaving badly. Not only to myself but to many other people.
All of this because I was genuinely unhappy with who I was.

I would become totally focused on all I didn’t have, all I wasn’t and just generally an empty unhappy grumpy (justifying my own behaviour) Charlie.

Writing down everything helped me to become AWARE of how I was talking to myself. How I was blaming everyone/ everything + me for being who I was (or what I wasn’t)

It didn’t take long for these thoughts to come into my awareness || For me to begin to challenge them little by little ||
This took a lot of time and patience
It takes a very strong mind to be proud of what you’ve achieved, of where you have come from, of what you’ve earned for yourself.

It takes a lot of courage to keep pressing forwards and to make the necessary changes needed to keep the bully at bay.

I didn’t realise at the time that I had a CHOICE to be kind to myself. To leave self judgement behind. To be my own cheer leader.

I didn’t have to keep proving to myself how unworthy I was. Life isn’t scripted. We have the power to change our beliefs and our lives and our bodies if we want it bad enough.

I have learnt to be gentle with myself along this journey because I know for a fact how UN MOTIVATING my inner bully was!!

Have the courage to re commit after you’ve hit a bump in the road and know that you have the right to be patient with yourself too.

It’s ok to be kind, more objective and gentle with you.
Next time you hear those bully inner voices. Stop. Don’t listen. Take a second and re think something positive about you and your life.
You ARE worth it!

Have a GREAT day,

Charlie x

I am strong I am able

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