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I’m writing this in honour of my father

I’m writing this in honour of my father
October 9, 2023 Charli Wall
In Blog
7 years ago today, at 4 ‘o’clock in the morning, I received a phone call from the hospital telling me my father was dead – the words the nurse used were, “𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳’𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦.” ⁣
Me – “𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦?” I knew what she meant. ⁣
But I was dazed and a bit confused as I’d been by his bedside for a long five weeks.⁣
Nurse – “𝘏𝘦’𝘴 𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘩 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥, 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦” ⁣
Me – “𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯?” ⁣
Nurse – “𝘢 𝘧𝘦𝘸 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘰, 𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩” ⁣
And that was that. ⁣
A life spark had gone out. ⁣
A final breath. ⁣
My father was dead. ⁣
The man I’d loved my whole life, and will continue to love until I die. ⁣
It wasn’t the first time I’d received a phone call like this. ⁣
And I know the tone very well. ⁣
This particular phone call I’d been waiting for for 23 years. ⁣
My memory is a bit of a blur after that. ⁣
I know I watched the sky a lot and became utterly absorbed in that moment. ⁣
I saw the birds flying around, and a big black raven came and sat in the garden. ⁣
It didn’t go for many weeks afterwards, which I always thought was strange. ⁣
I didn’t cry in that moment. ⁣
I’d cried a lot during those five weeks whilst he was in hospital as I feared this would happen, but I also wanted it so much not to be true. ⁣
Not to be watching this man I love fade away. ⁣
At that moment, it felt as if I’d cried all the tears I could. ⁣
How wrong I was. ⁣
Grief in all its glory has opened me up more deeply to love and to the more profound initiation into the truth of this love, life and human experience.⁣
It has gotten me closer to the truth of who I really am – and I feel closer to the truth of who my brother and father truly were – and still are – they just live on in my heart and the heart and eyes of my son ♥️
I now navigate the in-between – I honour what I have lost, those innocent younger parts of me that were so scared and vulnerable. ⁣
I also acknowledge the new pieces of me and the new truth that I see – Grief taught me to be honest and true. ⁣
Grief taught me that my love is fierce. ⁣
Grief taught me that I deserve to give myself love. ⁣
Grief taught me to love.⁣
So today, I’d like to remember all of who my Dad was and say his name – Bruce. ⁣
He was a strong, funny, trusting soul who believed in me 100%. ⁣
He was stubborn, and we fought a lot, but he had a good, kind heart and didn’t deserve all the pain he endured for the last 23 years of his life. ⁣
His strength and resilience always inspired me, and I’ll always reflect on how much he loved my son Zak and how he used to love my cooking. ⁣
How when I was little, he was always my dance partner, whizzing me around until I got dizzy. ⁣
How much he loved his Costa Coffee. ⁣
He was my confidante and my biggest supporter. ⁣

Miss you Dad ♥️

Here is a little 5 min clip from one of my Circle Community’s monthly ‘Ask Me Anything’ around the topic of grief:

Go gently,

Love, Charli x

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