As an ex mental health professional and current Personal Trainer/ Health Coach one is often in the tragic position of knowing exactly what one should do to take care of oneself, yet failing to actually do any of those things (and of course then feeling really guilty about it afterwards).
There have been many moments during my professional career that I have thought, wow, I sure would be a mentally and physically healthier person if I would take my own advice.
These last 7 weeks have been those times.. I haven’t actually been mentally able to get my trainers on and get out the door.. Its all just been too much.. too much grief to carry, too many memories, too much worry about what was happening with my Dad. Sadly he didn’t get through his last battle and for the last 2 weeks since he died I have questioned whether I even want to stay within a profession where so many women call me “an inspiration”.
I have questioned why me? Why am I more of an inspiration than any of the ladies who have written to me or who I work with.. What can I possibly offer anymore? I have lost myself, and lost a huge part of my identity having looked after my Dad for so many years.
Life seems pretty bleak and unbearable at times. I am sure most of you can identify with these feelings regardless of whether you have suffered a grief or not.. Life just sometimes SUCKS!
I am not asking for pity here, so please don’t think this is an attention seeking post. This is me being honest about where I am as that is what I have always done since starting this little business. Many people do not discuss their grief.. we hide it into little secret pockets of anger, resentment, sadness, tears, which can and often do come out at possibly the wrong moments at the wrong people…. Leading to more sadness, fear, guilt…
I truly feel that we all experience these darker moments.. anger, sadness, fear, trauma, guilt, pain, imposter syndrome and grief.. huge black holes that we are frightened to face.. I am sure we have all felt that we want to run away (which I have heard a few times recently and I know I have felt like running far away).. We all have emotions that can be triggered at any time and it hurts like an ACTUAL knife in the chest when we feel these things.
I have been called “hysterical”, “emotional”, “crazy” and also been told less than a week after my Dad died to “get over it” …
I will try to keep writing about this as I find it helps me to reflect and keep some sanity in my world… as does exercise.. Exercise for the last 10 years of my life has saved me on many occasions.
Today after many weeks of not moving I joined in a little sprint relay race with my Bootcamp crew as they were a member short.. As I was racing I felt my old self, my competitive self, my heart beat, my smile, my legs moving, my pride in the ladies I work with, my endorphins, my energy, my soul, my life, my reason for moving in the first place all those years ago… My Dad, who couldn’t move and desperately kept trying right till the end.
I have found myself signing up for the Cambridge half next year. For those that know me, know how much i HATE running.. I figured if I have a goal, make it a habit, get outside, continue to raise money in his memory I will be OK. As you will be.
Who knows if my goal will stick, or if my running shoes will end up hidden in the back of my wardrobe again soon, but I invite you to join me if you have been considering turning over your own new leaf.
Who is with me?